Let me begin with acknowledgment: I know I’m 26 and it seems like I don’t have my shit figured out. I don’t. I have only secured part time work. I don’t have a car. And I am going on a relatively impromptu trip to Spain.
I booked the trip back in April, while I was living on my own. I came back home after he offered to help me with getting my trucking license to help with the family business, which he strongly pushed for. Went as far as to drop out of school for it, again. He convinced me it was a good idea, and while I still think it is, I’m struggling to see myself working with or for him. In last year I’ve been going down a rabbit hole of depression and existentialism and absurdism, and thought being at home with my family would help me put things back into perspective. But as soon as I walked in, there was just anger and hostility between us.
I really wish I got the whole interaction; he had thrown out the direction to pack up my stuff from the night before, after he caught me off guard. I was on the phone with my sister when he came in ready to blame someone for letting my brother in, after he came in a bit late. When no one took the blame, he turned to “who left one Gatorade in the fridge?” Others readily gave blame to my brother, stating he takes them for work. I admitted to taking one (Gatorade is generally trash and never a first choice) and ended up taking heat for it. All the while my sister is on the phone, then she said something in my ears that lightened my mood and made me smile while getting berated. Lord have mercy.
On this occasion, I went to him to apologize. Told him I came here for a reason: to get away from distractions, save money, spend time with my siblings and get the trucking license. I told him I know there are things I could learn from him and the experience of being with everyone. I told him I would hate to run away and prolong my progression along this path of life. As my spiel came to a close, I remembered “fuck, do I bring up the trip, do I not?” It’s next week. I still wanted to go, I was looking forward to an exchange at a convent as a photographer. If he told me no, stay, work, forget it—I told myself I would. But we have been at each others throats and I said maybe we could use the time away from one another, and I can come back knowing I need to buckle down. And then it begins. He’s convinced I do drugs, and I’m offended that he’s thinking I’m shooting heroin between my toes. I’ve never lied about cannabis use and it’s a very infrequent thing for me.
His rage is pilot lit all the time, and something as small as eating at the counter has set him off.
No one needs to have faith in me other than myself, and that’s something I am actively working on. But for some reason it always hurts so much to hear these things from him.
Seems he wants me out regardless and right now Spain is where I’ll find a roof to recalibrate from.
At the end of the day I’m just sharing because I’m annoyed and I’m fed up with people who have kids and don’t realize you get out what you put in. Be an active participant in your kids life…make your best friend. As a parent you have the authority and ability to not let your kid do things YOU don’t like. But how can you expect them to be the person you want them to be by either being a bully or NOT teaching them.
My dad has not been an active participant and because I’m poor I’m inherently lesser than him. Are there things I don’t like about this world? Yes. Do I plan on sitting on my hands and weeping about it? No. Is what I want bad?
If you don’t know I want to open an orphanage, financially sustained by a boarding/private school. I’d like to host it on acres and invite youth from anywhere and teach them the life skills and creative skills. Will we have to check off chores for the boarding school and general aesthetics? 100% that’s the cost for room and board. But hey? You have a thing for cooking? Perfect, we have a culinary program where you can run a kitchen and get feedback, live. Are you interested in where the food comes from? Wonderful. You may enjoy our agriculture and horticulture program. Interesting in building maintenance and constructing? Good thing you’ve stacked your resume since you were 15 and now your ready to start your own company. Stop by the entrepreneurial office to get your business number set up.
Life is hard. Why be hard on yourself? Why be a source of negativity for those around you? Why not come together and support one another and create beautiful things that come with their own challenges, which should result in you valuing the experience as you reach the other side. That’s what I’m waiting for after all this bullshit. They say you can’t rely on anyone, but when you really think of that…when has that ever been true?
source
